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IlliniGuys Sports Spectacular (Weekend of March 1, 2025) Heartland Newsfeed
I often eat lunch with a group of downtown buddies. Last meeting, we discussed our dating years. Some of these guys are currently unmarried, but not by choice. A few of them have something to offer a lady, but others might be disqualified from reputable dating sites. An uncle told me I should compliment each person who went out with me, but that wasn’t always easy. One girl had really bad halitosis, so I told her I always admired people […]
Until further notice, the days of the week are now called Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today, and Nextday. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork Chop. Breaking someone's trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it's never going to be the same again. Someone just called me normal. I've never been so insulted in my life. If you want to be trusted, be honest. Hello Jesus. I'm ready […]
After a tiring day, a railroad commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cellphone and started talking in a loud voice. "Hi, sweetheart, it's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that blonde from accounting. It was with the boss." "No, sweetheart, […]
EDITOR NOTE: This column is making a return due to slow news cycles. What’s the most important position on a football team? I vote for the center. Some pay more attention to the quarterback or running backs, but without the center, they’d just be standing around. The center starts each play. Although his primary job is to snap the ball to the quarterback, his first mission is to watch how the defense lines up. And if he sees something he […]
Research appears all the time about monkeys. This, I suspect, is because they’re the second-brightest animals in the world. But, before we discuss recent findings, a little background. Orangutans possess outstanding visual memory. If they see something far away, they remember it. Near-sighted orangutans, therefore, may have short memories. They also boast mechanical skills. Sometimes they stack objects -- one atop the other -- so they can reach food. “Reaching food,” obviously, is a big motivation, followed by “reaching new […]
House confinement offers several positives. Luckily, I’ve got a little home office, and it’s a place I can go to sleep after my morning coffee. On Monday, I had lots of time on my hands, so I took an online test to gauge my maturity level. It said I was “childish, obnoxious, and apathetic.” It said some other stuff, but I didn’t care. I’ve also started cleaning out the attic. I found my old report cards from high school, along […]
With the exception of spitting for distance, nothing’s more fun than a good April Fools joke. Some people give gag gifts on this day. Not me…that’s what I do for birthdays. But whatever you buy on this holiday, remember it’s much better to give than receive...especially a depilatory, which I found personally quite painful for nose hair. Sometimes, I actually present real gifts, like games or coloring books. Just about anyone can spend hours with crayons if they’ve got pictures […]
In the U.S. alone, there are about 78 million Baby Boomers. These are people born between 1946 and 1964. Every fourth person you see at the dentist, carwash, or leg waxing salon is a Boomer. This means that (1) we still have some of our own teeth, (2) we may drive around aimlessly, and (3) some of us grow hair where we don’t want it. Boomers lived through both good times (man on the moon) and bad (mooning cars). We […]
My cheap friend Buddy -- who’s tighter than last year’s thong—got married last year. Below is his advice. But my guess is, most brides would veto all these ideas: Location? Ask a friend with a big den to borrow his house. If you remove the furniture, and guests stand up, you can squeeze more in. (And maybe if you invite the neighbors, they’ll let you park cars in their driveways.) Invitations? Handwritten invitations add a personal touch, especially if scribbled […]
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