Mac’s Korner: Week of November 29, 2017

Mac’s Korner: Week of November 29, 2017

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made a mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted up the tail and yelled at my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

….

Mother – I need to speak to the doctor. It’s an emergency. My infant has a temperature of 101.

Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature.

Secretary – How are you taking it?

Mother – Oh, I’m doing OK, I guess.

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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe v. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

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In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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My life is a constant battle between wanting to be skinny and wanting to eat all the food I want. And the food is winning. I keep telling myself that there is no calories at Thanksgiving.

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I think every high school should have a mandatory class called ‘LIFE’, which teaches you to sew, change a tire, do taxes, basic first aid, basic cooking, etc. Basic things you need in real life. (My opinion.)

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Don’t be afraid of being afraid of being different. Be afraid of being the same as everyone else.

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A good mood is like a balloon, one little prick is all it takes to ruin it.

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I used to live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself.

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do that day.

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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper and even my mind.

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I may look like I’m having deep thoughts, but 99% of the time I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat later. (Really!)

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Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

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You may lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

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My mood today: cranky with a touch of psycho.

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When you go through deep water, I will be with you. (Isaiah 43:2)

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If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. May God bless you!