Please don’t go: Separation anxiety and children

July 28, 2023 53

School will be starting soon before we know it. With the start of school, we see preschoolers and even older elementary school-age children having a difficult time with the transition and being away from home and loved ones. The Illinois Early Learning Project has a great tip sheet that helps parents address separation anxiety in children.

They say it is often hard for a parent or other loved one to leave a young child who cries and clings. The child is experiencing separation anxiety. Children may not understand when loved ones will be back. These situations can be upsetting to the loved ones who have to leave—as well as to the child. Here are some things to remember about separation anxiety.

A little separation anxiety is normal

the child’s behavior can be a positive sign. It shows that he recognizes and has formed important attachments with loved ones. (A child who never shows distress at a parent’s leaving or never shows a preference for one caregiver over another may be a greater cause for concern.)

Anxiety tends to follow predictable patterns

Fear of less familiar people and places often begins when a child is about 8 months old, although it can begin as early as 5 months of age. Separation anxiety usually peaks between 10 and 18 months and fades by the age of 2 years.

This anxiety may become greater at any age or may return in an older child when there is a change in environment or when other changes occur, such as the birth of a new baby in the family.

Tips to make parting with your child for school easier

Here are some tips that you can use to help make parting with your child for school easier and seamless:

Read a children’s book about separation.
Don’t bribe her not to cry.
- Don’t bribe her not to cry.
Stay with her until she becomes familiar with a new place or person.
Tell her calmly you know she doesn’t want you to leave. Reassure her you will be back.
Tell her Mommy or Daddy will be back after naptime or at dinnertime, even if she can’t tell time. Be sure to keep your word.
Let her have her favorite blanket or other “lovey” for comfort. Some children like one of Mom’s sweaters or another familiar possession they can keep until you return.
Avoid leaving your child when she is hungry, tired, or sick.
Never tease or scold her for her upset feelings or sneak away without telling her at all.

Stress levels can contribute to separation anxiety

Your anxiety about childcare arrangements or guilt about leaving may add to your child’s distress. Be sure to make arrangements for childcare that you feel confident about. And remember, some time spent apart can be good for you both.

It may involve a more serious issue

Consider other possible sources of stress in your child’s life. You can also consider an alternative childcare arrangement for a child who continues to be inconsolable in new childcare or other settings for more than two weeks. This would also apply should a child stops eating or sleeping well, refuses to interact with others, and has an ongoing change in behavior.

Cheri Burcham, University of Illinois Extension

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Cheri Burcham is responsible for family life programming in the counties of Coles, Cumberland, Douglas, Moultrie, Shelby and other parts of east central Illinois as needed. Cheri’s emphasis is on healthy lifestyles throughout the life span which include family relationships, communication, caregiving, stress management and human development including early childhood and healthy aging. Her passion is to help people to be their best selves and to promote a healthier, independent older population.