Rix Quinn’s Minute Story: December 1, 2018

Catfish

At a restaurant the other night, I overheard somebody ask his dinner companion, “How do you make a catfish?”

I offered a reply. The answer, of course, is, “Give him a rod and reel.”

But this man wanted to know how to extract bones from the critter. I’ve got no idea. But I did research the beast, and will now reveal more than you wanted to know about the seafood with whiskers.

1. Catfish live in fresh water. Most catfish don’t have scales, so they can’t tell you how much they weigh.
2. One fisherman told me they’re easy to catch because,  he says frankly, “they’re dumber than a turnip.”
3. Catfish enjoy most any bait, including trash or waste matter. This gives them horrible halitosis, and explains why you’ve never seen two catfish kissing.
4. Some channel catfish grow to 40 pounds. That’s too much to eat in one sitting, unless you are a shark. But sharks never sit down, anyway.
5. But I still know nothing about de-boning a fish. But here’s another common seafood question: “Should I serve catfish for dinner?”

Answer: “Yes, if you can get them to sit at the table.”

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Wild Animals

Many towns now prohibit citizens from housing jungle animals.

So, if you are a wild animal living in a human neighborhood – and if you can read this, you are a brilliant wild animal – listen up! This means:

1. No mid-morning snacks of cats and dogs that dig into your yard by mistake.
2. No more car rides, where you stick your head out the window and scare the snot out of pedestrians.
3. No more check-ups at the vet, who’s afraid you might eat some patients in his waiting room.

So what, you ask, is a “wild pet?”  For instance, some communities term boa constrictors “wild.” In others, they’re considered “non-poisonous reptiles with a lethal hug,” not unlike a great aunt who used to visit our house each Thanksgiving.

Coyotes, wolves and hyenas are also wild, even though they disguise themselves as loveable, giant-fanged dogs. My neighbor Charlie once owned a wolf, and it ate four parakeets and two of Charlie’s toes before he wised up and sold it to a cousin he never liked.

How about chickens? One community outlawed them, even though few are aggressive, and most are toothless.

They were banned not for aggression, but for crowing. No city person wants to hear anybody mouth-off at dawn, especially a birdbrain.

Bottom line: If you want to view carnivorous animals, visit the zoo. If you want to know why you should never own a wolf, talk to my friend Charlie.

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